Anthropomorphizing Things in My Home as Movie Directors

Help us out here, Wikipedia:

Anthropomorphism is a term coined in the mid 1700s[1][2] to refer to any attribution of human characteristics (or characteristics assumed or believed by some to belong only to humans) to animals or non-living things, phenomena, material states and objects or abstract concepts. Examples include animals and plants and forces of nature such as winds, rain or the sun depicted as creatures with human motivations, and/or the abilities to reason and converse.

In other words, which stuff in my home has the same characteristics as some of my favorite movie directors?

My gym shoes, Federico Fellini
My gym shoes are good for me. If I’m using them, that means I’m doing healthy things like working out. But I don’t particularly like using them. Using them feels like homework. Even though I’m much better off when I’m using them, I have trouble finding the motivation to do so.

Ed Woodkie

My copy of the “Star Wars Holiday Special”, Ed Wood
Watching the Star Wars Holiday Special is a total blast. But you don’t really enjoy watching it for the quality. You enjoy it ironically. 

The deep, dark stairwell heading into my basement where I take care of my dirty laundry, Ingmar Bergman
This is sort of self-explanatory. It’s dark. It’s poorly lit. It’s downright scary at times in a Jungian way. You might just hurt yourself in the process of using it. You use it to take care of your dirty laundry.

The George Foreman Grill, Wes Anderson
The quality off the Foreman grill is never as good as it would be off of a real grill. You’ll never ever find a magical way to create a five star steak using your George Foreman grill. And yet, in terms of quality of product, it’s always quick, easy, and plenty tasty. I guess this is my way of saying that I like Wes Anderson a ton but I’d be surprised if he ever created a Best Picture winning film.

Henri Cartier-Bresson's "Rue Mouffetard, Paris, 1954"

The Henri Cartier-Bresson print of  “Rue Mouffetard”, Martin Scorsese
This particular print has been around in my home for a long, long time. It is, of course, residing in the U.S. but it very obviously has European sensibilities. And the quality never really goes out of style. It’s one of the very best features of my home.

My ratty, beat up, hole-filled sweater, Kevin Smith
This sweater is large, it’s comfortable, and I enjoy wearing it a great deal. Unfortunately, it hasn’t really been at the top of its game for quite some time. And people harass me about it when I wear it. Despite the holes and the rattiness and the people poking fun at me for wearing it, I love that sweater anyway.

Minor League Baseball Championship Ring, Luis Buñuel
Not many people “get” those rings (or Buñuel) but I do. And I’m quite proud of that fact, in both cases.

Bottle of Crown Royal Special Reserve, P.T. Anderson
I really don’t get many opportunities to use this, as I save it for special occasions and I’m not really a whiskey drinker (unless it’s a special occasion). But I look forward to using it for months and months. And it’s always amazing when I finally do get to use it.

Stuffed armadillo on top of my bookshelf, Lars von Trier
It’s creepy, it’s weird, a lot of people don’t understand just why the hell I own it. But it’s also downright fascinating in a perverse sort of way. And there are legitimately a small percentage of my guests who appreciate it for what it is.

Chaos reigns.



Filed under Humor, Movies

8 responses to “Anthropomorphizing Things in My Home as Movie Directors

  1. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    With PT Anderson, you need to further define. For example, were you thinking of the raining frogs scene from Magnolia or There Will Be Blood? Also, what object would you choose for the Coen Brothers?

    • I’d define PTA as anything he’s ever made… except for the raining frogs. Although I probably need to give that one another shot.

      I don’t own anything cool enough to have the characteristics of the Coen Brothers.

      • The guy who met Kevin Meany

        I only mention the raining frogs because I know you really hated it. I actually think Magnolia was pretty good. I actually think there are many movies that could be improved by a final scene with raining frogs–image the assassination of the heads of the five families in the Godfather. Barzini is shot and rolls down the stairs…then it starts raining frogs. Moe Green gets shot in the eye…then it starts raining frogs. The possibilities are endless.

        • “Crash” would’ve been improved, without a doubt. In fact, if you replaced the entire movie with 2 1/2 hours of footage of raining frogs and called it “Crash”, my opinion of that movie would drastically improve.

  2. I have a strange curiousity for armadillos, although I have never seen a real one, live or stuffed. Yours looks great.

  3. I’ve never quite been able to explain my views on Wes Anderson, but I think the “George Foreman Grill” analogy sums it up perfectly. Gotta love the Fellini/gym shoes comparison, too.

    Also, I think I get the MiLB Championship ring one, but I don’t believe I’ve seen a film made by Luis Bunuel. Which of his films would you recommend?

    • I’m worried about that Wes Anderson thing because his fans LOVE him and I don’t want to make them angry at all.

      Let’s see… The easiest place for Bunuel is either “Belle de Jour” (because you can watch the insanely beautiful Catherine Deneuve) or “Un Chien Andalou”, which is only 15 minutes long.

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