You Bastards! 15 Hilarious Things that have Killed Kenny

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The 15th season of South Park starts this week. It’s been a fantastic run for Trey Parker and Matt Stone and their universe of foul-mouthed 4th graders. Along the way, Stone and Parker have needled just about every celebrity and hot button issue possible. Nothing at all has been sacred. And yet, my favorite gag on the show remains the many deaths of Kenny McCormick. While they’ve become less frequent, the show still toys around with Kenny’s death. Everyone’s favorite 9 year old welfare recipient has bitten the dust 86 times. Here are 15 hilarious things that have killed Kenny. You bastards!

1. The Mir Space Station
This happened in the first season of the show, when Kenny’s death was just becoming a recurring gag. And it’s an early example of Parker and Stone having fun with topical matters. At the time, Mir had collided in space with a cargo craft. Come October while airing the first South Park Halloween episode, Mir came tumbling to earth and crushed Kenny as the boys were waiting for the school bus. Technically, he came back to life as a zombie in the same episode when he was embalmed with Worcestershire sauce, and then caused a zombie outbreak by giving everyone the most horribly misdiagnosed case of pinkeye ever.

2. An evil goldfish
In the second Halloween episode, Stan receives a pet goldfish purchased from a pet store that’s built on top of a parallel dimension. As days go by, the goldfish is discovered to be evil and a serial killer. Naturally, one of the first victims is Kenny.

3. The Brown Noise
While preparing for Yoko Ono’s worldwide recorder concert, the boys lose face with some kids from New York and decide to exact revenge by discovering “the brown noise” and putting it into their sheet music. “The brown noise” is a musical note played at a frequency that makes the listener defecate in their pants. A mistake causes the entire band to play the note, and Kenny “craps himself to death”.

4. Mutant turkeys
In the Thanksgiving special in the first season, Dr. Mephisto creates a breed of genetically altered five-assed monkeys… er, I mean, TURKEYS. These turkeys go berserk and begin slaughtering South Park residents. Chief among them is, of course, Kenny.

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5. His own laughter
In the “Scott Tenorman Must Die” episode, Cartman is humiliated when a video of him singing “I’m a little piggy” is shown to everyone in school. Upon seeing it, Kenny laughs so hard that he dies.

6. The Chinese Mafia
The boys create the “Super Awesome Talent Agency” and wind up representing the Shitty Wok owner’s wife, Wing. However, the Shitty Wok owner owes money to the Chinese mafia, and they abduct her. The gang confronts the Chinese mafia to get Wing back. In the ensuing gunfight, Kenny bites the bullet. Well, technically his brain, heart, lungs, and rest of his body bit the bullet. His teeth were probably unharmed.

7. Spontaneous combustion
At the beginning of the episode, Cartman harasses Kenny for seeing his new girlfriend too frequently. Before Kenny can even respond, he ignites and burns into a pile of ash. As was later discovered- and this jives perfectly with hanging out too much with a new girlfriend- Kenny had been withholding his flatulence, and it was the culprit for the combustion.

8. A giant magnet
While visiting Sexual Harassment Panda at the Island of Misfit Mascots Commune, they encounter Jimmy the “Don’t Hold Onto a Large Magnet While Someone Uses a Fan Nearby” Falcon. To demonstrate the ills of holding onto a large magnet while someone uses a fan nearby, he hands Kenny a magnet and turns on a fan. Hilarity ensues. By the way, I guarantee that after reading the words “Sexual Harassment Panda”, you now have the Sexual Harassment Panda song running through your head.

9. A derailed mining cart carrying underpants
The awesomeness of this death is two-fold. First, you have to admire the sheer absurdity of Kenny being squashed by a derailed mining cart carrying underpants. Second was the way that Kyle and Stan delivered their standard “You killed Kenny!”/”You bastards!” line afterward- flat, lifeless, and distracted.

10. A gigantic fireworks snake
As the ultra-lame gigantic fireworks snake grows wildly out of control, it knocks over the bleachers at the Fourth of July celebration, falling on Kenny. The death had been preceded in the same episode in a flashback showing the boys at a very young age playing with fireworks. Kenny held onto a firecracker too long, exploded, and Kyle/Stan delivered their trademark lines in toddler voices.

11. Phonics Monkey
Kenny angers the Phonics Monkey, which sends the monkey into a screaming rage. The monkey then throws Kenny all over the room like so many piles of its own poo, eventually killing Kenny.

12. A tetherball
With the first season nearing completion, and with eleven consecutive episodes in which Kenny died, he survives the majority of the episode. This included a few close calls, most notably one involving a giant mechanized monster version of Leonard Maltin collapsing within inches of Kenny. After the escape, he kicks a tetherball, which wraps around his neck and chokes him.

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13. A tampon
Thinking he’s reached puberty early by getting his period (which is actually anal bleeding), Kenny inserts a tampon into his anus. While talking to their inner goddesses, Kenny “bursts from the inside out” with blood gushing through his face.

14. Antacid tablets
While hanging out in Stan’s father’s office, Kenny ingests an absurd amount of antacid tablets under the presumption that they’re candy. He then washes them down with a tasty beverage- water- which combines with the antacid and makes him explode. The reaction from the gang: laughter, followed by Stan saying “That was a good one”.

15. The Tooth Fairy Mafia
Having Kenny die at the hands of the mafia isn’t unique (see #6). It’s the way that it happens. To teach the boys a lesson, the Tooth Fairy Mafia gives Kenny a pair of cement shoes and throws him into a river. However, the river is too shallow and Kenny survives. At the end of the episode, we see Kenny jumping around (with the shoes on) in the river, trying to get to the river’s edge, when he falls face down, drowning.

Note: All images via The South Park Archives Wikia