Eleven Movie Characters I Like to Pretend Killed Osama Bin Laden

I’m not exactly one for bloodlust or political discussion for a whole host of reasons, especially here at TDYLF. That having been said, the recent capture and murder of Osama Bin Laden is a very historical event. And since my brain never stops thinking about movies, it didn’t take me long to start contemplating which movie characters would’ve been the best potential snipers to take Bin Laden down. Here are eleven movie characters I like to pretend had killed Osama Bin Laden. That’s not to be confused with “Elven Movie Characters I Like to Pretend Killed Osama Bin Laden”, which would be a very different list involving elves:

That Jonathan Lipnicki kid from Jerry Maguire
Having his security people defeated by that goofy little kid would be enough to make him die just from the embarrassment. Show me the tyrant! 

John McClane, Die Hard
Few movie characters better embody good ol’ American ass-kickiness and swagger as much as John McClane. He’s been taking down terrorists since the 80’s. Having brandished smarts and weapons and snappy dialogue like “Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker” to defeat terrorists on four separate occasions, nobody would’ve been more qualified in Abbottabad.

Erin Brockovich
She could subvert the compound’s security using environmental law, and also possibly her boobs. Once past them, she’d be free and clear into Bin Laden’s lair where she’d sue him to death. 

Dawn O’Keefe, Teeth
Right about now, you might be asking “Who is Dawn O’Keefe?”. She’s the girl from Teeth who possessed a condition known as “vagina dentata”- teeth in her vagina. Being slaughtered by a vagina is a fitting way for a misogynistic jackass to die.

Shosanna Dreyfus, Inglourious Basterds
Are there any two groups more oppressed by Bin Laden’s belief structure than women and Jewish people? Who better to impose justice than this Jewish female badass that already has one tyrant’s scalp on her belt?   

Anton Chigurh, No Country for Old Men
When you mastermind a whole bunch of terrorist attacks, you’ve already called the coin flip well before the coin was even flipped, haven’t you Friendo? And to paraphrase my own friendo, Chigurh is appropriate given the cat and mouse game in No Country for Old Men and the extended decade-long search for Bin Laden. If anyone deserves a cattle bolt to the skull, it’s Osama Bin Laden.

Elvis, Bubba Ho-Tep
He can handle undead unkillable Egyptian mummies. And he has JFK (sort of) as a sidekick. Either he’s a senior citizen who mistakenly thinks he’s Elvis, or he really is The King. Either way, being defeated by a symbol of American excess would be humiliating to Bin Laden.

The Golgothan, Dogma
If you’re not familiar with the Golgothan, it’s also known (per Kevin Smith) as “the rubber poop monster” or “shit demon”. And it would work wonders on Bin Laden, unless he had a can of Glade.

The Rancor Monster, Return of the Jedi
Unless Bin Laden uses the Force to make the Rancor monster choke on a bone, it’d be unstoppable and would probably amass a lot of collateral damage en route to the Bin Laden compound. 

Karl Childers, Sling Blade
What are you doing with that lawnmower blade, Karl? “I reckon I aim to kill you with it, Osama”.

John Shaft, Shaft
You need someone to go into Abbottabad, wipe out a ton of security, and then murder a very dangerous man. In other words, you need a cat that won’t drop out when there’s danger all about. You need a man who would risk his neck for his brother man. You need a baaaaaad mother (SHUT YOUR MOUTH). Hey, I’m only talking about Shaft.


Filed under Movies

21 responses to “Eleven Movie Characters I Like to Pretend Killed Osama Bin Laden

  1. Sweet list if I do say so myself! Particularly good call on Shosanna! As an honorable mention, how about Leon (The Professional) ? He’d shoot up an entire house and you wouldn’t even know he was there:P

  2. heheh Great post man!!

    Bubba Ho Tep is such a cool film. I love wearing my T Shirt from the film and getting knowing nods from the nerds behind the counter in the dvd store….hehe

  3. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    Why didn’t you pretend that Kurosawa killed Bin Laden? Okay, I’ve officially worn this joke out.

  4. There’s a halfway decent movie in at least one of these ideas… though I’m surprised you didn’t go with Boba Fett instead of the Rancor monster.

    • Oooh… Fett would’ve been great. Of course, the US would’ve had to pony up the money to pay him. Or just pay him in frozen Han Solos.

      I’ve heard Katherine Bigelow (Catherine? however her name is spelled) is already working on the story. No idea if there’s any truth to it.

  5. I would add Chloe Moretz from Kick Ass, atomic kicking OBL in the throat.

  6. Tony

    What about Harry Callahan? He was all for justice and would have blown his head ‘clean off’.

  7. Great choices. It’s difficult to say what my favourite is, but I’d LOVE to see Bin Laden facing off against Shaft, McClane or any other of the ass-kicking action heroes from the seventies or eighties. What about Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon, Gaear Grimsrud from Fargo (“we stop at pancakes house, then Bin Laden”), any of the Tarantino characters (“aw man, I shot Osama in the face!”) Alex from A Clockwork Orange (“Messing with nuclear weapons. Naughty, naughty, naughty!”), Joe Pesci in Goodfellas (“I just need this knife to hack off his hand… err, paw.”) or countless others? Nevertheless, you did a great job.

    • I started with one list, and wound up with a completely different one. The initial list included Grimsrud, William Munny (Unforgiven), Luca Brasi, Hannibal Lecter, Hit Girl, and Batman.

  8. dri

    Bruce Willis really killed Bin Laden in Planet Terror

    • Jim

      He sure did! Two in the heart, one in his computer. Now we just need to make sure SEAL Team Six wasn’t exposed to a bio weapon that will turn them into zombies.

  9. Oskar

    As cool as this list is I do believe the phrase is “Who’s the cat that won’t “cop” (not “drop”) out when there’s danger all about(…)”
    And yes, Shaft most certainly should’ve offed Mr. Bin Laden.

    I wouldn’t mind seeing Harry Powell from Night of The Hunter taking him out either, representing yet another perverted look at religion.

  10. Pingback: A Verdade dos Fatos | Quixotando

  11. Awesome… I think the Bubba Ho-Tep Elvis is my favorite in the list!

    If I made a list like this I would probably added The Sheriff of Nottingham from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves…

    Weapon? A spoon.

  12. Dan Schmitz

    What about Walt Kowalski from Gran Torino? “Ehh… Fucking (Insert appropriate racial slur here). Get out of my neighborhood.” Or The Man With No Name? He walks into Abbottabad, enters Bin Laden’s gang and proceeds to rip them apart. In the end he fools Bin Laden himself by wearing a bullet proof vest. Sorry I’ve been on kind of an Eastwood kick lately.

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