Ten Movie Moms That Would Be Acceptable Substitutes for My Own

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Mother’s Day is rapidly approaching. It’s time to honor our mothers with gifts that make up for the army of crappy ceramic ashtrays and pen holders that we all gave them when we were in elementary school and art teachers made us make things for them. Hypothetically, of course. And since my mom has killed me with love and kindness throughout the years, I’ve decided to honor her this year with this list of movie moms that would be acceptable substitutes for my own mom. None would be better, of course. But these ten would’ve done the trick. Happy Mothers Day, Mom!

Bambi’s Mom, Bambi (1942)
She took a bullet for her kid. Your move, everyone else but Bruce Wayne’s mom.

Mrs. Devito, Goodfellas (1990)
She has an eye for fine art. Her tomato sauce is undoubtedly amazing. She’s there for her son, even when he visits late at night mysteriously hoping to borrow a butcher knife. And she has an appropriate amount of concern over the semantics surrounding deer feet. Or paws. Or whaddya call it… the hoof.

Etheline Tenenbaum, The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Look at the raw talent that Etheline infused in her children. Margot is a noted playwright. Richie (a.k.a. “The Baumer”) was a champion tennis player. Chas mastered the world of international finance. She was an author herself, having penned Family of Geniuses. Even her children’s friends- successful author Eli Cash- had some of the Etheline magic rub off on them.    

Sarah Connor, The Terminator series
My mom is pretty awesome, but I don’t think she could’ve staved off futuristic robots to protect me. Advantage, Sarah Connor.

Ellen Griswold, The Vacation series
Any woman with the capacity to deal with the volume of crap that Ellen Griswold handled would be a fine mother, indeed. Though it should be noted that every time they went on a vacation- be it to Wally World, Europe, on Christmas Vacation, or to Las Vegas- she had murdered Rusty and Audrey and had them replaced with other children. Either that or she was negligent enough that she didn’t notice that they were completely different kids.

Mrs. Bates, Psycho (1960)
Poor old Mrs. Bates might not keep people company for very long, but you’d never be nagged about anything, ever.

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Rachel Keller, The Ring (2002)
In addition to protecting me from vengeful wet evil Japanese ghosts that climb out of the television, Rachel Keller was probably the most effective mother in history at driving home the point that you shouldn’t watch too much television. The drawback: you’d grow up with all of your friends saying lurid things about your beautiful mother, which may lead to some fights.

Mrs. Parker, A Christmas Story (1983)
Forgive me for making a really obvious choice, but you’d be hard pressed to find a movie mother that blends kindness and stern discipline quite like Mrs. Parker. I’ll put up with the soap poisoning and leg lamp accidents if I get all of the other stuff she provides.

Barbara, Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Other than the whole “trying to eat her son’s brains” thing towards the end of the movie, Barbara was the perfect mom. She even called Shaun “Pickle”. That’s about as realistic as it gets with movie moms, because every real mom has a goofy nickname for their kid.

Katie Bueller, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
Despite a flood of evidence mounted against her logic, she neglected all of her son’s highjinx. That’s the type of motherly devotion and trust that we all hope to have.

As I said, none of these are better than my own mom. But, they’d be fine substitutes.