If You Read Only One Article This Year, Make it This One: Fake Critic Movie Blurbs

One of my favorite critic clichés that appears on movie posters and DVD boxes is “If you see only one movie this year about ________, make it __________”. It’s not really used all that much but it’s been used enough that it’s entered cliché familiarity. And I’m fond of making up fake ones for extremely obscure films or acts in films. Some examples:

“If you see only one movie where James Woods shoves a gun into a vagina that he grew on his stomach, make it Videodrome!”

“If you see only one movie that has Nazi zombie horses this year, make it Blood Creek”

“If you see only one movie with pseudo-muppets having sex, vomiting, and doing drugs, make it Meet the Feebles

“If you see only one movie with vampires riding dune buggies in broad daylight in the desert, make it The Velvet Vampire

“If you see only one movie this year where Drew Barrymore starts fires with her mind, make it Firestarter”

“If you see only one movie this year where Martin Scorsese directs Balki from Perfect Strangers, make it After Hours

“If you see only one movie this year where a guy in a zebra costume fights a four-story tall super booger, make it Zebraman”

“Of all the movies I’ve seen where Arnold Schwarzenegger wrestles a bear, plays a Greek God, and uses a chariot to chase down mobsters in a station wagon, this is definitely one of the 10 best.”

“If you see only one movie this year about supernatural French lesbians harboring a creepy, androgenous midget, make it”

Yet another cliché is comparing one film to another. Some examples of what I’d like to see on these various film posters:

Vampyros Lesbos is the Citizen Kane of movies about lesbian vampires”

Zombie Lake is the Lawrence of Arabia of pseudo-porn movies featuring nazi zombies”

Piranha 3D is the Casablanca of carnivorous fish movie remakes”

“Clyde the orangutan from Every Which Way But Loose is the Sir Laurence Olivier of acting monkeys”


Filed under Humor, Movies

25 responses to “If You Read Only One Article This Year, Make it This One: Fake Critic Movie Blurbs

  1. Quote whores are a real problem. How can you trust the opinion of someone who just wants to see their name on movie posters?

  2. Feed The Screen

    Hilarious post…love it, despite the uncomfortable feeling I got while looking at a close-up of James Woods’ chest vagina at work.

    • I’d never seen that movie until last weekend. I wanted to jump up on my couch and scream “HE JUST GREW A VAGINA!!!”

      • I think I pretty much did jump on my couch and scream that the first time I saw it. And when he went ahead and started making love to his chest vagina with his gun, I shuddered with the knowledge that I cannot un-see a grown man inserting a penis gun into his own chest vagina. And I’m shuddering with the fact that I actually typed that last sentence.

  3. MC

    Then I guess Dead Snow is the Dr. Zhivago of zombie nazi movies then?

  4. That first one cracked me up. Probably a little more than it should given the content.

    If you only see one film in which the protagonist minces hordes of the undead with a petrol powered lawnmower, make it Peter Jackson’s Braindead.

    • Holy shit, the lawnmower scene was incredible. I love nearly all of that movie but the lawnmower takes the cake. That whole movie is ripe for those statements. “If you see only one movies that features zombies having sex”, “If you see only one movie with a diseased rat monkey”, etc…

  5. “If you only see one movie this year in which John Barrowman takes a woman home and eats her pussy, make it Shark Attack 3: Megalodon.”

  6. I tried to do this with a couple of bad movies, but it didn’t work. I didn’t have the imagination. For example, I tried to think of one for Plan 9 From Outer Space, but all I could come up with was… “If you see one movie about Plan 9 from Outer Space, make it Plan 9 from Outer Space.” I’m terrible at this. You, however, are excellent. The Schwarzenegger line is a stroke of genius.

    • “If you see only one alien-vampire-zombie collaboration this year, make it Plan Nine from Outer Space”.

      I think it’s more a testament to the fact that I derive great joy from watching really crappy and/or eccentric movies.

  7. “pseudo-porn movies featuring nazi zombies”

    Hot zombie on zombie action?

    • Fortunately, the pseudo-porn angle came from a pesky, non-zombified group of students who skinny dipped in the local lake (Zombie Lake, as it were).

      In retrospect, I don’t think the very naked women in that movie became zombified after being eaten by the nazi zombies. It would’ve made for some hilarity, so it’s a bit of a disappointment.

      It’s a Jean Rollin film; if you know anything about Jean Rollin, you know what you’re getting into with Zombie Lake.

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