The 10 Best Businesses and Products from Idiocracy


It may come as a surprise, but one of my favorite movies of the last ten years is Mike Judge’s Idiocracy (2006). It has an infinite re-watch factor and it’s the most perfect movie ever made for a hangover. One of the biggest reasons it works- possibly the only reason- is the tremendous satire of modern culture. The jokes never end regarding a culture that’s fallen into hilarious decay. It’s all reflected brilliantly in the fake businesses and products that Joe “Not Sure” Bauers encounters throughout his travels. Here are the ten best.

Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator
It is a fake product used to such great effect that you’ll never be able to pronounce the word “electrolytes” the same way again. Brawndo’s got what plants crave. And it’s such a massive business, presumably thanks to its ability to mutilate thirst, that it has replaced water in the human diet.

Carl’s Jr. Extra Big-Ass Fries
Idiocracy is seven years old and this joke about Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. still holds true. Their “half-naked beautiful women eating gross things” ad campaign has been around for that long. You didn’t have to look too hard in 2006 (or 2013) to see a future in which Carl’s Jr. sells “extra big-ass fries” with the slogan “Fuck you! I’m eating!”

St. God’s Memorial Hospital
It’s hilarious that, in the future, respect for religion and intelligence has diminished so much that they can’t even name a saint. They’re all called “God” and the architects who make hospitals are too stupid to figure out how to get all the letters to fit in the name on the front of the hospital.


The Time Masheen
If not for the good ol’ Time Masheen, nobody in the future would know anything about history. For instance, how could they know that Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi forces had tried to take over the world until the UN un-nazied the world? Also, dinosaurs were somehow involved.

Ow, My Balls!
Thanks to a lot of reality TV, this concept already exists. The only difference is that nobody’s had the chutzpah, the “balls” as it were, to actually name their show “Ow, My Balls.”

As the film describes it, it’s 90 minutes of nothing but an ass on the screen, occasionally farting. It won eight Oscars including best screenplay. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But John,” you’re saying, “I don’t like black and white movies.” But how can you turn down the film with the best screenplay?

It’s simple, really.


Starbucks Exotic Coffee for Men
It was almost impossible to choose between Starbucks and Pollo Borracho- an adult chicken restaurant that boasts “full release.” I opted for Starbucks simply because it came first in the movie, it’s more recognizable in the modern context, and it inspired this dialogue:

Joe: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y’know?
Frito: I don’t really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.

The beauty of this is that Mike Judge said what we’ve all been thinking. Admit it. The first time you drove by a Fuddruckers, you undoubtedly chuckled silently that the name of the restaurant is almost “Buttfuckers.”

The Masturbation Network
The network ident alone is hysterical- a dude with one obscenely muscular arm, glaring down at it with lascivious pride. His patchy facial hair is an added bonus. I can only imagine what they air. Whatever it is, it’s enough to make Frito keep batin’.



Filed under Humor, Movies

9 responses to “The 10 Best Businesses and Products from Idiocracy

  1. Such a great comedy and one I have watched a couple of times…the electrolytes thing is my favorite though…

  2. LOL “the architects who make hospitals are too stupid to figure out how to get all the letters to fit in the name on the front of the hospital.” Technically, they did, no? I think YOU were hoping they’d be in a straight line. 😉

  3. James

    I don’t think you got the full joke of “st. God’s memorial hospital” or I understand it in a different way. Memorial as in remembrance to God? God is dead? I also think that the “saint” part is not that they can’t name one its that they don’t know what one is. So its just a title, why not give it to God.

  4. Pingback: Is the Future Stupid? – policy futurist

  5. As the first R-rated film I’ve ever seen, I must say that I was not disappointed in the slightest, though my favorite thing HAS to be the Tarryltons billboard

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