I love Netflix viewer reviews. Sometimes, they’re so astoundingly stupid and/or bombastic that you have to laugh. Other times, people are just funny. Some of my favorites:
The Brown Bunny
I fell asleep after the first 4 hours of Vincent Gallo driving around – looking really intense. Then, I think I woke up to see Chloe Sevigny eat a salami. Then I fell asleep again.
Barn Of The Naked Dead
no one is naked. no one is dead. there is a barn though, I’ll give them that. oh- and andrew prine reads the FBI warning. that was the best part of the film.
That second one actually saved me a rental.
My Little Pony: The Movie
Once and a while you come across a movie that will probably become a small part of your life.. it will stay with you forever.. “My little pony: the movie” is not one of those movies. This was terrible. First off, it’s a cartoon and I had no idea that it was a cartoon. WHAT? And if that’s not enough.. the pony really isn’t that little. Not cool. Please avoid this movie at all costs. When I think of the greats, Bergman, Bunuel, Kurosawa.. one name that you won’t see.. Michael Jones. Ridiculous. I’m very mad right now.
Sometimes people like to make political statements with their reviews, as if anyone else gives a poo:
This is a movie with a purpose, it’s purpose is to turn children against hunting, by demonizing hunters, the food chain, and nature in general. I have to wonder which of the misguided political groups paid for this, HSUS, PETA? Propaganda aimed at your children, be aware.
Here’s a peek inside the mind of an insane person:
WARNING: All the p e n i s e s depicted in this here movie ARE FAKE!!! This movie is set in the early 80’s from what I can tell: they are still using Francs (not Euros), AIDS is still uncontrollable and an assured death sentence (no protease inhibitors), and men still have to seek the safe haven of a porn theater showing straight tacky films in order to get a decent b l o w job from a drag queen (whereas nowadays all you have to do is go to TrannyGranny.com if you want a crossdresser with natural sagging breasts). So I would say that as a time-capsule kinda thingy-thing-thing this movie works well. As a piece of cinematic art, it also works on the quirky side of the spectrum, a la ‘Blow Up’ or ‘Liquid Sky.’ But I got to be frank here (no pun intended), it royally pissed me off that these frenchmen were sporting fake johnsons. This is a french movie, for crying outloud, them frenchies push the envelope in fashion, film, and literature. We don’t need a Marky-Mark/Dirk-Diggler fake dick that looks like my sister’s twenty year old dildo to debase the silver screen. No sir, if you are going to show us naughty happenings (and they are naughty, let me tell you that) inside a porn theatre, then show us the real deal. BTW, them drag queens in the porn theater were awful, they would not fool Stevie Wonder in a moonless night, so my only conclusion is that french heterosexual men have a thing for tired old drag queens in Valentino knock-offs and stringy wigs. I have a friend whose hopes just got high…
Sometimes, they’re so good that you have to add that movie to your queue and watch it based only on the review:
Deranged / Motel Hell (Double Feature)
Once in a while a movie comes along that has a lunatic wearing a pig’s head carrying a chainsaw.. and if you’re lucky enough to experience it, cherish that moment forever. “Motel Hell” is so awesome. It’s beyond ridiculous in so many ways. A crazy farmer plants “humans” in his garden and then turns them into award winning eats. Full of great lines, tons of great scenes, and Cliff Claven like you’ve never seen him before. I’ll be honest.. the movie did drag on a tiny bit for me.. but the ending so bloody awesome. You really can’t go wrong here.
Stranger than Fiction
Sometimes Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like a less attractive version of her brother. This is not one of those times. Plus, I like girls that have tattoos and can make me cookies. I would watch it again just to fantasize about her insulting me and making me eat cookies.
This one sort of left me speechless. I never thought I’d see these words in print.
Howard the Duck
Finally, Howard the Duck will be available on DVD really soon. I loved this movie when I was a kid. I can’t wait to watch this movie again.
Apparently, there are Simon & Simon completists out there and they use frowny faces in their reviews:
Simon & Simon: Season 6
I wanna watch I Thought the War was Over… WAAAHHHHHH!!!!! How come the best episodes arent avaiable to watch!?
The Perv Parlor / The Frat Shack Shakedown
The best movie I have gotten from this dvd service. Not for everyone but if you love TV like Scooby Doo, The Monkees, or Gilligan’s Isle, your favorite bands are The Kingsmen, and Tab Hunter, movie directors like Ray Dennis Steckler and HG Lewis, and you worship Screaming Lord Sutch and Billy Childish you might dig it. Features Lightning Beatman and Sexton Ming.
That’s right. If you enjoyed Scooby Doo and Gilligan’s Island, you’ll love Perv Parlor.
Pop culture references in a review are neat:
The Money Pit
Peter: I did not care for The Godfather. Lois: What! Peter: Did not care for The Godfather. Lois: Uh! Chris: How can you even say that dad? Peter: Didn’t like, did not like it. Lois: Peter, it’s so good, it’s like the perfect movie. Peter: This is what everyone always says, whenever someone says… Chris: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino… Peter: I… Chris: You never see… ROBERT DUVALL! Peter: Fine, fine actor, did not like the movie. Brian: Why not? Peter: Did not… couldn’t get into it. Lois: Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it? Peter: It insists upon itself, Lois. Lois: What? Peter: It insists upon itself. Lois: What does that even mean? Chris: Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent! Peter: Cause it takes forever getting in, and you spend, you spend like six and a half hours, and then, you – I can’t even get through, I haven’t even seen the ending. Chris: You’ve never seen the ending? Stewie: Ah, how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t even given it a chance? Lois: I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair. Chris: Outrageous. Peter: I’ve tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sitting around on the easy chairs… Lois: Yes, it’s a great scene, I love that scene. Peter: It’s not a great scene, I have no idea what they’re talking about, it’s like their speaking a different language. That’s where I lose interest and fade away. Chris: They’re speaking Italian! Lois: The language they’re speaking is the language of subtly, something you don’t understand. Peter: I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement. Lois: Exactly. Peter: Well, there you go. Lois: Whatever. Chris: I like that movie, too.
And then there are these reviews, all from the same guy. I see a pattern emerging here:
I love infantile and irreverent films, and Postal looked promising. But goddamnit, it’s just so poorly made. The acting is pr0n-level and the comedy falls flat. Who wrote this thing? I suggest blacklisting the authors. The direction and feel of the film is just utterly crappy and amateur. Uwe Boll seems to be incompetent at best. Postal is just awful. Hey Uwe Boll… suck my balls!
One of Bruckheimer & Bay’s big three chozgobblers, along with Armageddon and Pearl Harbor. Terrible, terrible things happen when those two get together, and The Rock is no exception. Hey Jerry Bruckheimer… suck my balls!
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
A pompous windbag of a movie about erasing things from your mind. Great concept, poor execution. It wasn’t “profound”, it wasn’t “nuanced”. It was Jim Carrey, trying to revive his career and get out of god-awful hackneyed comedies. A series of stinkers like this and “The Majestic” aren’t going to do it. Hey Jimy Carrey… suck my balls!
A few more from the same guy, but without the testicle-sucking theme:
Watching this movie was like being beat up with a giant dildo. You’re like, huh, I’m being beat up with a dildo!
This is a bit harsh and too crass even for me, but I can’t say that I disagree:
This kinda sucked, too bad. Sandra Bullock can’t act. But then, you know that from that movie she was in where the boat went really fast. But this movie… I mean, I’m all for car crashes, racist cops, and personal tragedy, but did the director have to be so hamfisted and self-important? There’s a lot of retards posting about the “magnificent depth” of the film, but then, hey, there’s a lot of really really stupid people in the world.
This could go on and on but I think you get the point.
Alright, one more. This one slays me.