Cheeeez Nuts, Part 1: The Cheesiest Movies I’ve Seen on Netflix

By the time you read this, I’ll be on vacation in Wisconsin. I’m not going to be blogging while I’m away but I still want to give content to my readers. In anticipation of my trip to the land of cheese, here are some quick-hit reviews of the wackiest, goofiest, cheesiest movies I’ve ever rented from Netflix. They’re all horror films, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.

Note: if you visit the Netflix page for any of these movies, you may find these reviews. I’m not plagiarizing. Those are reviews that I wrote back when I actually liked Netflix and wanted to put my content on their pages, which is obviously not the case anymore.

Zombie (a.k.a. Zombi 2)
Zombie vs. Shark. That’s all that really needs to be said about this movie. Any discussion of this movie begins and ends with the zombie vs. shark fight scene. I immortalized this movie back in September as part of the “Great Moments in Movie History, Using Stick Figures” series. You can find it here. And here’s the real thing:

Masters of Horror, Dario Argento: Pelts

Why yes, as a matter of fact, that IS Meat Loaf holding a fur coat made out of raccoons.

I was pretty disappointed by this entry in the Masters of Horror series. But I guess that’s my own fault. Any time you find yourself saying “I expected too much from a movie about supernatural raccoons that stars Meat Loaf”, you should probably feel an extra dose of shame.

Vampyros Lesbos
This is far and away the best lame attempt at an art film about German lesbian vampires that I have ever seen. I have to admit that I enjoyed it on a certain level, but it wasn’t the level that director Jesus Franco wanted. I enjoyed it because of how amazingly ridiculous it was, which brought me quite a few laughs. The “deep symbolism” of the scorpion, in particular, was a howling riot. If you’re expecting anything even remotely decent as a film, don’t waste your time. If you’re looking for 70’s pseudo-porn and a laughably bad movie, by all means, this film is for you.

The Girl Slaves of Morgana le Fay
If you see only one movie this year about supernatural French lesbians harboring a creepy, androgenous midget, make it “The Slave Girls of Morgana le Fay”. Honestly? The story wasn’t bad at all, it works as art, and some of the scenes were pretty incredibly hot. This one is what “Vampyros Lesbos” wanted to be.

Slaughter Hotel
Slaughter Hotel, which should’ve been called “Klaus Kinski’s Home for Naked but Insane Hot Chicks”, really puts the laughter back in slaughter. The editing is Ed Wood-bad. But who cares? I didn’t rent it expecting Sunset Boulevard. Basically it has a ton of (very, very explicit) nudity, some funny slasher scenes, and (GASP) a twist at the end!!!! Oh… and Klaus Kinski. If you’re looking for some exploitation chicanery, you’d do well to start here.

Ganja & Hess
Remember the first time you heard about pineapple pizza? How strange it sounded? And then you tried it and found it that it was really unique and actually pretty good. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you “Ganja and Hess”- a blaxploitation art film about vampires. Director Bill Gunn earns huge points from me for ambition and creativity with this film. Ultimately, the transfer is really bad but that’s not the fault of the film or filmmaker. It’s a total what-the-hell of a movie at times, fading into the extremely trippy, but frankly I think that’s a good thing. It’s Bunuel-esque blaxploitation and that’s not exactly something you see every (or any) day. It’s not exactly much of a horror film, nor is it much of a vampire film. There’s nothing wrong with that unless that’s what you’re looking for. If you want horror or some Count wandering around with fangs, sportin’ a cape, sleeping during the daytime- this is 100% not your movie.

Hard Rock Zombies
If you’ve seen it once, you’ve seen it a million times. Boy meets underage girl. Boy falls in love with underage girl. Boy and his crappy 80’s butt-rock band become zombified. Boy and band thwart Hitler’s attempt at taking over the world (even though it’s 1984). Boy protects girl and her town from ravenous zombie midgets, zombie werewolves, and zombie bible-thumpers. Boy saves day. What a totally formulaic movie. Here’s a brief clip from this towering cinematic achievement:

Come back tomorrow to read part 2 while I’m tucked away on my trip, downing another New Glarus Brewery product.


Filed under Humor, Movies

5 responses to “Cheeeez Nuts, Part 1: The Cheesiest Movies I’ve Seen on Netflix

  1. Shannon

    Thank you so much for this post honoring my great state. It was lovely meeting you this weekend. You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.

    • Right back at you. And thanks for the reminder that it’s about time for another big stick figure entry. The TV one the other day was too short.

      I love that I’m being referenced as a gentleman and a scholar in the same entry where I openly discuss Meat Loaf fighting demonic raccoons.

  2. rtm

    Ahah, for a second there I thought you’re posting movies made in Wisconsin 😀 Hey, you’re pretty close to my neck of the woods John, are you on vacation to root for the Packers? I sure hope not as then we can’t be friends anymore.

    • I was in the middle of my annual “go see snow and hang out with people who drink good beer-cation”, which I take every year in January or February. I… did NOT go just to watch the Packers, but I have to admit that I’m a fan.

      And a huge bonus on top of the trip was that I got to meet a handful of my readers.

      • rtm

        I was just joking about my Packers comment. I’m not a football fan anyway, my husband is though and he talks about it a lot so I’m quite well-versed with NFL stuff 😀

        Glad to hear you had a good time and meeting your readers, how cool is that! I wish you had made a stop in MN so I could meet you, too.

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